Most of you know that we lost our little girl Hannah at 22 weeks of pregnancy. Many wonderful blessings have some our way since this time and we have learned many things. It's been 9 years since we told Hannah good-bye on Earth. You think that you have been through all the grief when something else happens. I have been in a funk all day. It's guilt. I was thinking about something earlier this morning and the thought popped in my head, "When I was pregnant with Hannah..." and I stopped. It just sounded odd. For those who did not know us then and do not know about her, they wonder who the heck Hannah is. Out of kindness, they normally do not ask. But it has never sounded odd to me because she is my baby, she existed and I was pregnant for 22 wonderful weeks with her. But today...today it felt weird. I cannot explain it. It's like for a moment, I wanted those 5 months to be gone. Not because they were bad but because...I don't have her. I do not have my "living" proof that she existed. And this sounds so very horrible..but there are days I just want to move on. Isn't that horrible? This is my daughter. My flesh and blood who I love with my whole heart and I want to forget? Because it's easier? I get tired of explaining, of the sad looks, of it all. I either want her here or I just want it gone. I know that can't happen. I need to look at the blessings that have come out. I know those things..yet I struggle. I write this because I know there are others out there who have lost a baby. Have you ever felt this?
I will probably be fired from Glory Babies now!!
3 comments:
no you won't - thank you for sharing this - and you are not alone - it is amazing how, no matter how long it has been, it's always there
Aimee, I have never lost a child that far along in a pregnancy but I think that your feelings are very "normal" and not horrible at all. We all want to suppress things that have happened in our lives that are not comfortable. Your feelings are just those of a regular person. You don't want to forget Hannah, you just want to forget the horrible time and that unfortunatly is the time you lost her. Others may not know of her but whatever way your family remembers Hannah will always be special to your family and friends that knew of that chapter in your lives.
Thank You again for keeping Kenzi today. As we were leaving, she was telling me she wanted us to spend the night. She said, "I can sleep with Abi & You can sleep with Ms. Aimee." She already had our sleeping arrangements made out, LOL!!!
I wasn't going to leave a comment because I have never lost a baby. I can't begin to understand how you feel. How hard it must be to wait...before you see and hold her again. But I wanted to leave a comment because Hannah is very special to me. She is never far from my heart & mind. I think what you are feeling is normal, you're just tired of missing her..I wish your precious Hannah was also with you today. Jeff and I have always loved how you and Eric have kept her "alive and real" to your other children, by sharing the precious pictures of her in the hospital, and by the way you have spoke of their baby sister in Heaven.
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